Depending on whom you ask, Anne-Marie Slaughter
and Sheryl Sandberg have started the next women's revolution or the newest
mommy war. Regardless, people are talking about where women are in the quest
for gender and work equality. Women are questioning why we have not
achieved greater access to the c-suites of the Fortune 500 companies. It has
also started a debate between my daughter and me about the future of the women’s
movement.
Last weekend, I attended the inaugural Yale Women
Conference in Washington. Almost every conversation revolved around Sheryl
Sandberg's book, Lean In, and Anne-Marie Slaughter's article, "Why Women Still
Can't Have It All", in the July/August 2012 issue of the Atlantic. I tried to convince
my daughter to register for the conference, but my recent Yale graduate rebuffed
the idea immediately even after I offered to pay her fees.
She did accompany me to Washington, only to see
her friends from high school and college. I persuaded her to come to the last
event, a cocktail reception. I figured that she would be more easily persuaded
with free food and drinks rather than PBS NewsHour correspondent Margaret
Warner’s interview of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, both Yale alumnae.
Upon leaving the hotel to meet her friends, my daughter ran into Arianna
Huffington of Huffington Post. Even then, my daughter chose brunch and a tour
of The Phillips Collection over attending this conference.
At the end of the weekend, I bravely asked her,
"Why did you not want to attend the conference? Why are you so
disenchanted from attending a star-studded women's conference hosted by your
alma mater? What have we done as women and mothers to make our millennial
daughters want to lean out?" Her response to my questions has shaken me to
my core.
She said that our generation of mothers and
women was sending out too many mixed messages. She referred to Susan Patton, who told young women at Princeton to find a husband while in college; Sheryl Sandberg, who has advocated leaning in, working hard and picking the right
husband as the keys to success; Ann-Marie Slaughter, who described her personal
journey about "Why Women Still Can't Have It All"; and Justice Sonia
Sotomayor, who confessed that one of the reasons her marriage failed was because she
worked too many 15-hour days.
My daughter described how all of these
conflicting messages discouraged her from listening to any one of the pioneers in
the women's movement. Wow! I leaned back and watched her somber expression. I realized that even I had been giving her conflicting
messages. In my effort to give her more advice than my mother could ever give
me, I had given her too many directions and not enough freedom to find her own
path. While she was a student at Yale, I told her to work hard and play hard. I
told her to get a boyfriend and get straight A's. I told her to apply to law
school, because I felt she had all the right skills for that profession.
Why do Type A women and mothers feel the need to
control others’ actions? Why do women think there can be only one answer to a problem?
Why do mothers passionately disagree about everything: breastfeeding or formula, staying at home versus working outside of the home? Why can't we just accept
that every woman has the right to choose her own path? The real questions should
be: "Do you want to lean in or lean out? What are your goals?” Though not every
woman pursues the field of upper management, those who want to be business
executives should be able. Women have to stop fighting each other, but we also
need to change the rules of engagement so that more women can get to
the corner offices.
I was really surprised about the backlash
against Sheryl Sandberg's book. How could women judge the book before it had
been released? I decided to buy the book. She has written a great book about
how to navigate your way to the corner office. Her argument is persuasive with documented evidence to show
how women sabotage themselves. She also discusses how men need to change in order to let talented women sit at the table. Women have been her worst critics, and yet,
men have been very quiet about her observations and experiences.
Likewise, Anne-Marie Slaughter has been
criticized for admitting that she was unable to continue her career and have a
child that needed her at home. I can relate to the trials of being a primary
caregiver for my family while traveling 200,000 miles a year for work. I was
responsible for 15 staff members, and yet, I could not get my daughter to sleep
through the night. When I tried to work from home, my 5 year old would scream
and bang on the walls until I had to open the door to my office. I questioned if I was smart or stern enough to "have it all".
My daughter is right. Women have to accept the respective choices that each woman may make in the course of her own life.
Justice Sotomayor, for example, does not have children. She bravely acknowledged that this decision was based on her personal
health and her approach to work. Sheryl Sandberg seems to have found a spouse who shares enough of the onerous burden of parenting to give her the
chance to have a corner office. Anne-Marie Slaughter explained how her career path was not conducive to a manageable work-life balance. A number of Ivy League women
choose not to pursue a career at all and focus on their families instead.
Kamala Lopez,
Yale Class of '85, was right to beat the drum to finally pass the Equal Rights
Amendment. If women had equal rights and equal pay, some of these arguments would go away.
Unfortunately, women cannot even agree on that goal. In addition to the Equal Rights Amendment, the corporate culture needs to be more family friendly. We need better childcare for all parents not just
the ones who can afford nannies and private jets. All
women should have the right to choose the life they want to live, and we need to give
them the tools to be successful. I am now telling my daughter to define her
goals and to follow her own path. My mission will be to support her as much as
I can.
Lean in or lean out? It is your choice.
The next debate should be the quest to "have it all".
