Redefining Success:Raising My Children to be Self-Sufficient Adults

I was so honored to attend the women's conference,"The Third Metric: Redefining Success Beyond Money andPower", hosted at Arianna Huffington's lovely home in New York. Surrounded by some of the most powerful women and men in America, the events of the day revolved around how we define success and how to take better care of ourselves to live longer and healthier lives.

We listened to an all day marathon of star-studded panels of women and men, who shared their personal stories about how they are trying to achieve balance. All of the attendees had one advantage: they do not have to worry about food, shelter or clothing. Sadly, many of the speakers were still searching for balance. When Katie Couric admitted that she did not have 20 minutes in her day to meditate, I realized that money does not buy a person more time. Fame and fortune is sometimes a barrier to achieving balance. The stress that comes with making more money and having more power takes a toll on your body, mind and soul.

A long time ago I tried to create a narrative for my life that was supposed to go like this: I was going to work very, very hard at Goldman Sachs, start my own business and retire by age 30, get married and have children. My plan, however, did not work out. At Goldman Sachs, I worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for 7 weeks in a row without a day off. Before cell phones or personal computers were available, you had to be in the office at your desk crunching numbers as long as you were needed. Instead of going to business school after my 2-year analyst job, I started my own business. After 3 very stressful years, I could not find a buyer for my company and ultimately I liquidated the assets of the business.

I returned to Wall Street to work for the treasurer of Bankers Trust.  A year later, I got married and had a baby. My husband, who was an intern in New York, matched to do his residency in New Orleans. If our family was going to stay together, I had to quit my great job and find work in a town that had no experience with a woman like me. When I went to work in New Orleans, I was miserable leaving my daughter in the care of strangers.  Torn between traveling for work and staying at home, I had no choice but to go to work. My husband did not make enough money as a resident to pay the bills.

After 7 years of marriage, my husband finally made enough money to support his family.  My job required excessive travel and I could not control my hours. I had to be honest with myself. When I looked in the mirror, I knew that I wanted to stay home and be with my children. I was fortunate that I had a choice. I understand why the majority of women lament that this is a problem for the 1% and not the rest of us. Not many women get to make the choice to stay at home today with 60% of all women working outside of the home.

For most women, the conversation about money is real. While the necessity to work is genuine for most women, we must not criticize other women, who choose to work outside of the home even when financial reasons are not the motivator. Some women, including my own mother prefer to work outside of the home.

I decided a long time ago that my metric for success would be defined as raising intelligent children to become self-sufficient adults.  I felt from the day my daughter was born that I was best suited for this job. Sometimes, I don't think I will ever be done parenting, however, my time commitment has decreased. I now have some extra time to embark upon my "Third Chapter". I still do not always have time to meditate or practice yoga every day. Finding the balance is easier said than done.

What is your metric for success? What are the goals for your life?  Each woman and man should answer these questions based on their own narrative.

My Daughter's Summer Internship

Two weeks ago, my daughter arrived home from college. While I was so excited to see her, I realized that our time together was going to be very short before she moved to DC to begin her summer internship.  It was a mad dash to get her organized for the summer. I was a little surprised when, amid unpacking and repacking, that she read Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. It had been the topic of many of our discussions over the past few months, and she wanted to "prepare" for her work experience. Her dear friend from high school, who just started a summer internship, recommended that she read Strength Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath. I also suggested that she read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell to understand the many factors that contribute to success. She was getting prepared for her new job and really wanted to excel.

As a History major in college, she is receiving a traditional liberal arts education. Sadly, the skills that are required to be successful in the workplace today are not taught in high school or college. It is necessary that my daughter focus on navigating the maze of work because she will not learn needed professional skills in school. Very few workplaces require employees to write the 40-page reports required of her in high school and college. 

As I proudly watched my daughter get ready for her summer, it hit me: most college educations are not useful in the real workplace. No wonder David Karp decided to drop out of high school to create Tumblr. The skills necessary to start a business are not found in college textbooks.

Interning can be a great insight into what you may be doing for the rest of your life. From showing up to work everyday on time to working an 8 or 12 hour day, internships teach you a lot about the workplace. Most tasks required of you at work are not typical expectations for most college students. Most high schools or colleges  do not assign group or team work. On-the-job training is essential because every corporation has different operational systems that cannot be mastered in a classroom. Furthermore, success depends on how an organization manages people with different strengths to maximize the potential of the group. Most colleges promote individuals with similar personalities that do not know how to work together. While interning, a student learns professional skills and build resumes that will prepare them for life after school. 

How can you ensure that your child will achieve professional success?  It starts at home. I remember reading Goodnight Moon so many times over a 10-year period when I had a baby in my arms coaxing them to sleep. I never realized when my children were young how constantly reading to them enhanced their little brains. I consistently give my children advice whenever they begin a professional endeavor. I helped my daughter move into her summer dorm and prepare for work. I wanted to impart any useful career advice to her based on my experiences in the workplace. I also wanted to give her a few more hugs.

Dairy of a Yale Mom is  now featured on Huffington Post.