Sports, Concussions and My Son

Sports, Concussions and My Son

On a rainy day in August my whole family – meaning my three kids, my husband, and I – were stuck inside watching ESPN. Whenever a TV is on in any room with my husband, we all always end up watching ESPN. A special program about concussions captured our collective attention. I was shocked by the facts being presented about brain injuries associated with having concussions, and even more dismayed when I learned about diseases and conditions that are now being linked to having had a concussion.

In particular, links to Lou Gehrig’s disease (ALS), to sudden and inexplicable heart attacks, to strokes, and to Parkinson’s disease caught my attention, because MY SON PLAYS FOOTBALL. And everyone acknowledges that concussions occur frequently among football players. Although my son is very fast, he is also tall and thin. His body reminds me of a baseball player’s or a tennis player’s, but not a football player’s. Yet he plays football.

After the show was over, we talked about why my son wanted to play football given the potential long-term risks to his health. He was completely irrational, only talking about how his speed and agility would keep him out of harm’s way. He never really considered what might happen if he were hit really hard and suffered a concussion that might damage his brain for life.

I realized once again that teen brains just can’t process the consequences of their actions. They do not understand what ‘irreparable long-term damage’ means. My husband said, “Let the boy be a boy”. The conversation was over, and when school started, my son was playing on not only the junior varsity but also the varsity football teams. I had lost the battle.

The football season was off to a great start. My son was highlighted on the cover of the school’s sport publication. I was more concerned about his grades and classes. He was taking six courses, four of which were at the honors or advanced placement level. He is a smart boy. But I felt that his grades were not as good as they had been the year before. The teachers all responded during parent-teacher conferences in October that he should drop a class so that he could continue with football. I was genuinely surprised that no one recommended dropping football so that he could continue with his six classes. My expectations for my son have never included sports. He is too smart to just play a game.

Early in November, I received a phone call that no mother wants to get. It was the school physician telling me that my son was injured in a football game. He was going to be fine but he had a “CONCUSSION”. He had been hit, but no one had seen exactly what had happened. When he walked off the field, however, he did not know where he was or the names of his teammates. I repeated the words slowly to make sure that I had heard them correctly. I was in a trance. I could only register the words, “He is going to be fine”.

Two months later, he is still not ‘fine’. He is suffering from short-term memory loss and processing problems. He missed a month of school. He is only taking four classes and is still sleeping too much. If you ask him a simple question like what he wants to eat, he can’t answer the question with ease.

He has seen several doctors who all tell me that he is going to be fine, but he is not fine yet. We are still waiting…

Diary of a Yale Mom

Just as you are!

She tried in every way to understand me, and she succeeded. It was this deep loving understanding as long as she lived that more than anything else helped and sustained me on my way to success. Moe West

My youngest daughter gave me a calendar for the new year. It is a daily calendar called ‘I love you, Mom’. I confess that I smiled when she presented it to me. How could you not smile when your teenage daughter says, ‘I love you.’

Well, the answer to that question is not as easy as you think. I have a dear friend who loves her daughter but seems to want to clone herself in her daughter. For example, my friend is trying to make her daughter popular and outgoing. Yet her daughter is an introvert and has struggled with socializing with her peers. She is more comfortable with adults than with her classmates. To add to the clash of personalities, the daughter is questioning her own sexuality. My friend is a devout Catholic and cannot accept that her daughter might be gay.

I love my friend and have been trying to help her accept her daughter for the lovely person that she is, and stop trying to make her into someone that she is not. I have told my own children for years to look in the mirror to discover their true identities. What might such discovery mean? What questions does it require? Ones like, ‘Who am I?’ ‘What do I enjoy doing?’ ‘Do I like the spending time outdoors or do I prefer going to a library to read a book?’ ‘What am I passionate about?’

In asking your children to define themselves, you are asking them to discover the uniqueness of each person on earth. In the process, they will also become more tolerant of different people because they will be able to relate to others through their own journey to self-awareness.

I think as a mother that our greatest job is to identify our child's gifts and then help them reach their potential in whatever field that they want to pursue. If your child is good in Math and Science, why would you force him or her to major in History or English. I have always encouraged my children to excel in their areas of strength and continue to work on their weaknesses.

This also applies to sexuality and all other areas of one's life. If your son or daughter is questioning his or her sexuality, help by finding someone to support him or her – and while you are at it, get support for yourself. I have seen how this issue has wrecked families and has prematurely taken the lives of some talented children.

Accept your children, just as they are. Love them, hug them and encourage them to be the best that they can be even when theirs is not the dream that you had for them.


Diary of a Yale Mom

Happy New Year!

1.1.11

A new year and a new beginning. I hope that all mothers of teenagers and young adults had an uneventful New Year's Eve. I have a number of friends who decided to host parties, for their teenagers, where they buy the alcohol (mostly beer) and take the car keys of all drivers.

I am still unsure that this is a good idea but I understand the dilemma that so many parents face. Teenagers are drinking. If they are not drinking at your home, then they will do it somewhere else. Do you want your teen drinking and driving? I think not.

Our country has a double standard when it comes to the lives of our young adults. You can join the military at 18 years of age but you can not drink a glass of beer or wine. You can die serving your country at 18 but you can't have a drink. In Europe, the laws are quite different and I think more sensible.

If drinking is so bad then no one should drink no matter how old they are. I believe that we should establish tough drinking and driving rules. In Germany, if you drink and drive the fines can range up to $20,000 depending on your income. Strict enforcement of the rules would deter most drivers.

As a mother of two teenagers and one young adult, I have never hosted a party where I permitted underage drinking. My children think I am too overprotective. I will proudly wear that badge forever. Teens can die when they binge on alcohol. I do not want that kind of responsibility.

I understand why parents chose to host a party where they are in control of the amount of alcohol that is consumed. I understand why a parent might want to know what their children are doing versus staying up all night praying that they come home safely.

I understand and pray for all the mothers and fathers of teenagers and young adults. No one wants to get that phone call in the middle of the night. Parenting is really hard.

Diary of a Yale Mom

Another Year and One Resolution

Goodbye 2010!

The year of 2010 has been filled with many highs and lows.

My oldest daughter graduated from Yale!

My youngest daughter turned 18!

I traveled to Singapore, Indonesia, Telluride CO, New Orleans LA and Palm Beach FL.

My husband's father and grandmother died.

My son got a concussion playing football and two months later, he is still not 100% or back to his normal level of brain functioning. He is going to be fine.

I started the Diary of a Yale Mom blog.

I have met some amazing people this year who have encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Thank you for the encouragement, I need it.

I want to thank my children for 22 years of pure joy, love and a lot of hard work. Parenting is not easy. Parenting is a full-time job. I love my job and can't wait to share more stories with other parents.

Thank you to all my followers, friends and family for your support.

Diary of a Yale Mom

PS- In 2011, I resolve...to be the best mother that I can be.

Tis the Season

Before the Great Recession, there was a great rush – one could even say a panic – to identify the “it" toy of the holiday season. I remember the year Tickle Me Elmo was introduced. That was before people even shopped on the Internet, but I was online trying to bid for the one and only toy that would bring "joy and happiness" to my children. I am glad those days are over!

I used to put so much effort into identifying what I thought would be a fun, educational, or simply the must-have toy for the season. I would call my friends and discuss trends and availability. Now I look back on it and realize that I was more involved in this hunt than was healthy. The effort surely was not for the children. I think that buying the toys was a way to prove to myself that I loved them. Trust me, I know that this is not normal. But as parents we buy into the notion that we should get our children a lot of stuff that they neither need nor really want.

Last year, I asked my children what they got for Christmas the year before. I continued to question them about what they got for Christmas when they were ten, nine, eight, seven, six, and five years old. Today, they are 15, 18 and 22 years old. THEY COULD NOT REMEMBER ONE TOY THEY RECEIVED. I was shocked to think of all the effort I seem to have wasted finding “the one” toy each year, none of which they could even remember.

My children do remember making holiday shirts to wear for Christmas Eve. When the kids were young, I made the shirts all by myself. As they got older, they wanted to design the shirts. Designing them evolved into a competition. Then, after twenty years of making shirts, two years ago we bought shirts already decorated. But this made the kids sad. So last year, they bought and designed the shirts then gave them to us as Christmas gifts. I know years from now they’ll probably be making shirts with their own children.

I have a girlfriend who was older when she had her first child and listened to my advice about the downside of creating a "material girl". She frequently tells her young daughter when she asks for a toy that "it is not in the budget”.

Recently, I was watching a new reality TV show called "Downsized or Downsizing". I was struck by how well-adjusted the six children were after losing their home. Each was only getting one thing, $50 or less, for Christmas. But they were so happy to get any toy after having lost their home. It seemed as though they were just happy to have each other.

I saw a bumper sticker that is going to be my motto for the "Third Chapter" of my life. It read, “The Best Things in life are not things”. I emailed this quotation to my husband and children. I wanted them to know how blessed I feel to have them in my life. If we lost all of our material possessions, but still had each other and all of our memories, I would be happy.

Diary of a Yale Mom

Miracle Baby

Diary of Yale Mom

12.18.10
Miracle Babies & Nannies

I recently saw a segment on TV about a Miracle Baby! I thought to myself that all of my children are miracles. Even more, because I never had an easy pregnancy, I see all of my children as special gifts.

The Miracle Baby’s mother had left him unattended in the bathtub. By the time she returned, her baby had drowned. The baby was pronounced dead by the Emergency Medical Team who nevertheless continued to administer CPR until arriving with the baby at the hospital. Forty minutes after revival efforts began on the little boy, he started to breath. He was alive only after much effort and many prayers -- surely a true miracle! I cried as I heard the story, remembering my own near-tragedy with my younger daughter when she was four years old.

I had been rear-ended in the car while sitting at a traffic light. Even before I got home, my neck had gotten very stiff. After a few days of excruciating pain, I went to a doctor. I could not even pick up my two-year-old son to change his diaper. I had a herniated disk in my neck and so had to start physical therapy to alleviate the pain.

I also needed help to care for my children and assist me with my daily chores, so I hired a full-time helper. One day I was in the kitchen with my youngest child trying to make lunch. The helper, an elderly woman, was upstairs with my middle child giving her a bath. I heard the woman running the bath water. A few minutes later, though, she was in the kitchen opening the refrigerator. I asked her what she was doing. She told me that she had to get something to eat because she needed to take her high blood pressure medicine. I asked her where my daughter was. She said my child was in the tub. I yelled, “ARE YOU CRAZY? You cannot leave a child unattended in the bathtub! Not for even a minute!” I picked up the baby and ran upstairs. My four-year-old daughter was playing in the water-filled tub. Luckily, she was fine, but I fired the helper on the spot.

She had, after all, left my child unattended in a full tub of water. She did not even go back upstairs after I yelled at her, but continued instead to get something to eat. Her lack of concern thoroughly exasperated me. How dare she take my child’s life for granted – that same child for whom I had lain in bed for three months to ensure the best chance for a normal and healthy life! I was very, very angry.

So I gave the helper two weeks’ severance pay and escorted her to the door. During 1993 I hired and fired ten more nannies for a host of reasons, all having one common denominator: a lack of respect for the lives of my children. I can’t even begin to recount the horrors resulting from the acts that some of these women committed; but I fired them all for well-grounded reasons.

One day, I will write just about the nannies, which will require several entries and a glass of wine.

Diary of a Yale Mom

Leashes Vs. A Mother's Touch

Diary of a Yale Mom

Leashes vs. A Mother’s Touch

12-1-10

Three children can be very demanding at times. I remember when the children were 1, 3 and 8 years old and I tried to take them to the grocery store to do my weekly shopping. When I left the store frazzled with barely enough groceries for a day, let alone the week, and with three cranky kids, I promised that I would never take them shopping again by myself.

Supermoms think they can do it all at the same time. When we realize that we can’t do it all at once, we sometimes try to solve problems in crazy ways. Our generation is very mobile. Mobility is not compatible with very young children. When I realized that I could not afford a nanny or sitter to help me all of the time, I bought a leash to keep my oldest child from running away from me. In retrospect, this was a bad idea, but I was desperate at the time.

I had planned a trip to California and Las Vegas to visit Disneyland and family. I flew to California from the East Coast with all three children. Call me crazy but I wanted them to see my brother and my first niece. Someone was scheduled to meet me at the gate (pre 9/11/01), but I had to fly over five hours on a commercial airplane with three children all alone.

Did I really need to make this trip by myself? No, but I was really naive, stupid, overconfident, and maybe just plain crazy. Of course, no one ever sat me down and said I don’t think this is a very smart idea. Even though the smaller children were in a double stroller, I was overwhelmed. Looking back from the ripe old age of 50-something, I now know that traveling alone with three small children was irrational.

When my oldest was 18 months old, I went to Sears to buy a vacuum cleaner. My parents came with me to watch her while I made my purchase. While I was shopping, she looked down the aisle in the appliance department and saw a runner’s track instead. Before I could test some of the latest models of vacuum cleaners, she was off to the races. She laughed and screamed, “You can’t catch me”, and she was gone. My poor parents did not have a chance because she was very fast. I sprinted after her, but still could not catch her. I was huffing and puffing and very angry when she ran out of steam and stopped. My instinct was to spank her, but when I put my arms around her, she started to laugh hysterically and said, “Mommy, you caught me. You are it!” She was just playing “hide and seek” in the appliance aisles of Sears. To her, Sears was the playground.

Mothers should understand that small children do not distinguish between a schoolyard and a big box store. They see both as spaces for what we would call creative play. With lots of aisles and space to run, Sears, to a toddler, is easily mistaken for a playground. Now when I see young mother’s at Sam’s, Costco’s or BJ’s with small children without someone to help them, I wonder if anyone has told them why this is not a good idea. The new carts that look like a Little Tykes castle only reinforce the idea that the store is a playground. Thus, no one should be surprised when the kids attempt to escape from the castle to go for a little run.

The leash did not work! She was too smart and too inquisitive. As soon as she saw something that interested her in the airport while I was attending the needs of one of the younger children, she pulled apart the Velcro strap on her wristlet and was gone. Once I realized that she had escaped, I panicked. Luckily, however, I found her in a second at a display of teddy bears at the newsstand across from our gate.

You need to be able to accept as a parent when you are outnumbered. Off with the leash. I put it in the garbage and never put myself in that situation again. You can feel your child leave you if you are holding his or her hand. If you need a leash to control your children, remember they are not dogs. They need your warm loving hands. Don’t drag your children all over if you cannot control them.

Sincerely and Not Condescendingly,
Diary of a Yale Mom