Redefining Success:Raising My Children to be Self-Sufficient Adults

I was so honored to attend the women's conference,"The Third Metric: Redefining Success Beyond Money andPower", hosted at Arianna Huffington's lovely home in New York. Surrounded by some of the most powerful women and men in America, the events of the day revolved around how we define success and how to take better care of ourselves to live longer and healthier lives.

We listened to an all day marathon of star-studded panels of women and men, who shared their personal stories about how they are trying to achieve balance. All of the attendees had one advantage: they do not have to worry about food, shelter or clothing. Sadly, many of the speakers were still searching for balance. When Katie Couric admitted that she did not have 20 minutes in her day to meditate, I realized that money does not buy a person more time. Fame and fortune is sometimes a barrier to achieving balance. The stress that comes with making more money and having more power takes a toll on your body, mind and soul.

A long time ago I tried to create a narrative for my life that was supposed to go like this: I was going to work very, very hard at Goldman Sachs, start my own business and retire by age 30, get married and have children. My plan, however, did not work out. At Goldman Sachs, I worked 16 hours a day, 7 days a week for 7 weeks in a row without a day off. Before cell phones or personal computers were available, you had to be in the office at your desk crunching numbers as long as you were needed. Instead of going to business school after my 2-year analyst job, I started my own business. After 3 very stressful years, I could not find a buyer for my company and ultimately I liquidated the assets of the business.

I returned to Wall Street to work for the treasurer of Bankers Trust.  A year later, I got married and had a baby. My husband, who was an intern in New York, matched to do his residency in New Orleans. If our family was going to stay together, I had to quit my great job and find work in a town that had no experience with a woman like me. When I went to work in New Orleans, I was miserable leaving my daughter in the care of strangers.  Torn between traveling for work and staying at home, I had no choice but to go to work. My husband did not make enough money as a resident to pay the bills.

After 7 years of marriage, my husband finally made enough money to support his family.  My job required excessive travel and I could not control my hours. I had to be honest with myself. When I looked in the mirror, I knew that I wanted to stay home and be with my children. I was fortunate that I had a choice. I understand why the majority of women lament that this is a problem for the 1% and not the rest of us. Not many women get to make the choice to stay at home today with 60% of all women working outside of the home.

For most women, the conversation about money is real. While the necessity to work is genuine for most women, we must not criticize other women, who choose to work outside of the home even when financial reasons are not the motivator. Some women, including my own mother prefer to work outside of the home.

I decided a long time ago that my metric for success would be defined as raising intelligent children to become self-sufficient adults.  I felt from the day my daughter was born that I was best suited for this job. Sometimes, I don't think I will ever be done parenting, however, my time commitment has decreased. I now have some extra time to embark upon my "Third Chapter". I still do not always have time to meditate or practice yoga every day. Finding the balance is easier said than done.

What is your metric for success? What are the goals for your life?  Each woman and man should answer these questions based on their own narrative.

My Daughter's Summer Internship

Two weeks ago, my daughter arrived home from college. While I was so excited to see her, I realized that our time together was going to be very short before she moved to DC to begin her summer internship.  It was a mad dash to get her organized for the summer. I was a little surprised when, amid unpacking and repacking, that she read Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. It had been the topic of many of our discussions over the past few months, and she wanted to "prepare" for her work experience. Her dear friend from high school, who just started a summer internship, recommended that she read Strength Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath. I also suggested that she read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell to understand the many factors that contribute to success. She was getting prepared for her new job and really wanted to excel.

As a History major in college, she is receiving a traditional liberal arts education. Sadly, the skills that are required to be successful in the workplace today are not taught in high school or college. It is necessary that my daughter focus on navigating the maze of work because she will not learn needed professional skills in school. Very few workplaces require employees to write the 40-page reports required of her in high school and college. 

As I proudly watched my daughter get ready for her summer, it hit me: most college educations are not useful in the real workplace. No wonder David Karp decided to drop out of high school to create Tumblr. The skills necessary to start a business are not found in college textbooks.

Interning can be a great insight into what you may be doing for the rest of your life. From showing up to work everyday on time to working an 8 or 12 hour day, internships teach you a lot about the workplace. Most tasks required of you at work are not typical expectations for most college students. Most high schools or colleges  do not assign group or team work. On-the-job training is essential because every corporation has different operational systems that cannot be mastered in a classroom. Furthermore, success depends on how an organization manages people with different strengths to maximize the potential of the group. Most colleges promote individuals with similar personalities that do not know how to work together. While interning, a student learns professional skills and build resumes that will prepare them for life after school. 

How can you ensure that your child will achieve professional success?  It starts at home. I remember reading Goodnight Moon so many times over a 10-year period when I had a baby in my arms coaxing them to sleep. I never realized when my children were young how constantly reading to them enhanced their little brains. I consistently give my children advice whenever they begin a professional endeavor. I helped my daughter move into her summer dorm and prepare for work. I wanted to impart any useful career advice to her based on my experiences in the workplace. I also wanted to give her a few more hugs.

Dairy of a Yale Mom is  now featured on Huffington Post.

Who is his mother?: “Mom’s Advice to Quit Got Tumblr Started”

Last week, David Karp, the founder of Tumblr, sold his company to Yahoo for $1.1 billion. As much as I was in awe of this 26 year-old man’s accomplishment, I could not help but wonder about his mother. Who was the woman that raised her son and encouraged him to drop out of high school and go to work? Yet this story is very different because David dropped out of high school at 14!

What was his mother’s thinking? How did she have the guts that led her to ask her son if he wanted to skip the rest of high school? What did she know about the education system that led her to believe that pursuing his passion for computer programming as an intern was better than finishing high school and going to an Ivy League college? I have discovered some of the answers in the interviews that I have read about this boy genius.

Barbara Ackerman taught science at Calhoun in New York City. In her heart, she knew her son was not thriving in high school. He was passionate about coding but was bored even at a school like Bronx High School of Science. She was lucky to be able to homeschool him. She also had great connections that helped him land the internship at Federator Studios and Urban Baby that changed his life.

Who knows a child better than their parents?  A mother or a father knows if their child is bored with school and needs more of a challenge. Some mothers know when their child needs more attention from their teachers.  If a child has dyslexia or is a computer genius, mothers are usually able to identify their child’s needs before doctors or teachers. So many children, however, never get the help they need even when their parents are able to identify a problem.

In the Mommy Wars that continue in the 21st century, moms get most of the blame if their child drops out of school. According to The New York Times, 857 children drop out of high school every hour. How do mothers know whether their child will be just another college drop out or the next Steve Jobs?

Karp’s success is very rare. I wish I could interview Barbara Ackerman. I would like to ask her so many questions about how she was brave enough to acknowledge that her child would be better off dropping out of high school and pursuing his passion.  Her success as a parent was neither defined by what high school or college her child attended. She had to be impervious to the negative comments that I am sure she received from other people. I wonder how else she helped her son become so successful. It is clear she did not take any advice from Amy Chua’s, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom”.

Not all children have to follow a traditional path to be successful. It is our responsibility as parents to be attentive to the needs of your children in order to help them achieve.


Dairy of a Yale Mom is featured on Huffington Post- Who is his mother?

Memorial Day Tribute

I want to thank all of those who have served in the fight for freedom. My father was a Buffalo Soldier and I am forever grateful for his valor. He was wounded in WWII and carried his battle wounds until the day he died.

Thanks to all the men and women who have served and especially those who made the ultimate sacrifice.

"Freedom is not free"

Mommy Heartbreak

We got on the elevator.

Her tiny arms were wrapped so tightly around my neck. She buried her head into my shoulders and pleaded for me to stay home. Her sobs grew as we descended to the lobby. She kept begging. My daughter did not want to go to daycare that day. I tried to stay strong. I even bribed her with a trip to the toy store upon my return. While she was inconsolable, I could not stay home from work. I had to run a board meeting in another state. Her dad would pick her up later that evening. I told myself she would be fine.

Our nanny had called in sick. I had to take my daughter to daycare. She told me how much she hated it there. But what could I do? I had to go to a meeting where I was giving a presentation. There was no one else to do this job. During the board meeting, my cell phone kept ringing. I kept seeing an unfamiliar number pop up on the screen of the silenced device.  After 8 calls from the same number, I asked to be excused from the meeting. I apologized.

It was my daughter's school. My daughter was sobbing hysterically. Although they had tried to call her father, she begged them not to call him. She cried loudly and had started to shake. She only wanted her Mommy. I tried to hear what was wrong in between the sobs, but she only managed to get a few words out between the tears. She was gasping for air. My heart sank. I had 12 trustees waiting for me to finish a presentation on a $1 billion asset allocation strategy.

I told my daughter that I had to go but that I would call her soon. I was lying both to her and to myself; after the presentation was over, I had to take my clients to dinner. I would not be done with my day for at least another 5 hours and would not be able to fly home until 6 AM the next morning.

Did this happen today or 17 years ago? Just last week, I was on the elevator with my now 25 year-old daughter. The little girl crying was not my own daughter but a stranger's child who lives in my daughter's apartment building. The next day, one of my oldest friends from Yale was being persistently interrupted by the calls from her 10 year old daughter. Whenever I see these events now even though my youngest is 18 years old, I have flashbacks to my days of working and traveling when my own daughters were very young.

A tear runs down my face; nothing has really changed. Mothers leave for work everyday with a child or several children grabbing onto their legs, pleading for their mommy to stay home. I remember vividly what would happen when I pulled out my garment bag from the closet to pack for an overnight trip. My daughter would become hysterical. Instead, I would pack after she went to sleep and leave before she would wake the next morning. I was trying to keep my own heart from breaking every week I had to go.

No one ever told me that it would be like this when I graduated Yale. No one told me about the emotional bonds that formed when I had my own child. This bond would eat at my soul and make me question my career aspirations. Women everyday wonder if their drive and determination is detrimental to the well being of their children. It is hard not to ask yourself these questions if your child is begging you to stay home. I can still hear the cries, the sobs and the "mommy please don't go" refrains in my head.

I was lucky to marry a wonderful guy who allowed me to be a stay-at-home mother when he finished his medical training.  My mind, however, wonders why I could not manage it all. It really is an individual decision about how we parent and what we can accomplish based on our personal narrative.

"To thine own self be true."
Hamlet, William Shakespeare

Featured on Huffington Post, Diary of a Yale Mom

The Other Mothers, Nannies or Babysitters

From the day that I became a mom, whether I worked outside of my home or inside my home, I have had heated debates with other women about hiring a nanny or a babysitter. In the ongoing "Mommy Wars of 2013", there is still a backlash against mothers who hire individuals (mostly women) to help with childcare. Is this a class issue or just another cafeteria fight? Regardless of socio-economic standing, every parent needs help! Every parent needs a break from the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year job of raising a child.

When I was a young child, I had a babysitter whom I called my " nanny". By definition Mrs. Flanagan was more than a babysitter, because she watched me during non-traditional hours when my parents worked. My mother did not drive, so she needed a trusted neighbor who could drive. When Mrs. Flanagan had her own child, I was 4 years old and went to nursery school.  I loved Mrs. Flanagan and thought of her as my "other mother".

In the 1960's, a nursery school was a place to take your child to learn and play while parents were at work. Children were at least 2 years old and out of diapers (Pampers and Huggies did not exist yet). The nursery school was open from 6 am to 6 pm, Monday to Friday.  Just the other day I was walking by The Ivy League Learning Center, a modern day nursery school, which accepts children between the ages of 6 weeks to 5 years old. They are open from 6:30 am to 6:30 pm, Monday to Friday. It even boasts of having a state of the art security system and sibling discounts.

What would single parents back then and today do if they had to work on weekends? What happens to parents who go to work at 9 am and don't get home until 8 pm? This is when you need help with your children regardless of the name you call the caretaker! It is not a class issue. It is a childcare issue. If companies had provided adequate childcare in the 1990's, maybe more women would have reached the c-suites today.

My former employer, Goldman, Sachs & Co., now has an amazing on-site child care facility for their employees. Goldman not only provides childcare for longer hours that are more reflective of parents' actual work schedules but also provides "Sick Care", when your child is unable to go to school. These advancements in childcare still would not have helped me when I had to be at the airport at 4:30 am. I personally do not know of any childcare centers that are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you work the graveyard shift, what do you do for childcare?

In all of the jobs that I have held over my lifetime, I needed a nanny. There were no other options that would allow me to work 80 hours a week, travel, and tend for the children that I always wanted. When my husband was on-call, we had to have someone stay at our house. He may have needed to go to the hospital in the middle of the night when the children were young and I was traveling. The children could not be left alone at home. Some parents need nannies and others can use babysitters, because their schedules permit them to. If you are lucky, you will find "other mothers" who not only share your values but may also care for your children from infancy to high school.

I was never lucky enough to find just one "other mother" but I have had some wonderful nannies and very accomplished babysitters. I remember interviewing a very smart girl for Yale. I was so impressed by her that I not only wrote her a glowing recommendation I also asked if she was interested in babysitting. She was accepted at Yale. Unfortunately for Yale, she went to Harvard. I got a great babysitter whenever she was available. Jenny graduated from college 5 years ago. She is a teacher and a wonderful "other mother" to an entire school.

Whether paid hourly, salaried, or not paid at all, whether living with the family or not, whether 12 years old or 87 years old, related by birth or not, all of these childcare providers help parents raise their children. Every parent needs help even if only to go to a doctor's appointment. We must honor them as the "others" who not only help parents but also shape the next generation. I am forever grateful for them.

I really cannot forget to mention all of my children's friends' parents who have so kindly, from time to time, taken care of one or all of my children. Hillary Clinton said it best, "It takes a village to raise a child". There have always been neighbors, friends or other parents who have helped when I only had two hands and three children. I really can't do it all.

Warren Buffet and My Mom, an Original Rosie the Riveter

Last week, Warren Buffet wrote an essay, “Warren Buffet is bullish…on women”, for Fortune Magazine about the integral role of women in the American workforce. He believes that women will continue to propel America in the 21^st Century. Buffet said that, “Women are the key to America’s prosperity…The closer America comes to fully employing the talents of all its citizens, the greater the output of goods and services will be.” Buffet’s essay reminded me of my hardworking mother and her experiences during World War II.

My mother was part of the first generation of women who actually worked at jobs that were specifically designed for "men only" before the war. The confidence that these women gained from their independence paved the way for the women's rights movement. When my father was drafted into the US Army in 1943, my mother was pregnant and unemployed. She had to support herself and her newborn child. She found work at Chase Brass & Copper Company, three months after my brother was born.

As she had only completed the 9th grade, she was hired as an unskilled laborer catching and stacking ammunition shells. She worked for 6 months until her sister-in-law refused to babysit for her.  Without childcare she had to quit her job and go back to the home she shared with her husband's sisters.

For almost a year, my mother lived off of the $50 a month she received from my father. She was unable to cover her expenses and had to return to work as soon as she found childcare. She got a job at Fisher Body, where they produced airplane parts for the U.S. Air Force. 9 months later, the war ended and all of the women without high school diplomas were fired.

My mother had saved enough money when my dad returned from the war to make a down payment on a house. My father was so proud of his young wife and her hard work ethic. My mother worked exclusively at home for a few years after the war. When my brother started kindergarten, my mother went to work at a local hospital. An original Rosie the Riveter, she wanted to regain the sense of independence she had when she was the primary wage earner for the family.

She was lucky to have married someone like my father who bought the groceries, cooked the meals and even braided my hair when I was a little girl. He worked 2 jobs to provide for his family in addition to doing the chores at home. I grew up in what was then considered a "modern family" with parents who equally shared responsibilities without regard to traditional gender roles. My mother never cooked a meal for our family, and my father never complained about his wife's choice to work outside of the home.

In the essay, Warren Buffet said that he was encouraged to go to college while his sisters were encouraged to "marry well", even though they were just as intelligent. His sisters like many other women of their generation were discouraged from working outside the home. My mother was told after the war was over that she was no longer needed at the factory regardless of her ability to do the work. When the men returned home from the war, they took back their jobs.

Clearly, a fully employed workforce without regard to gender will increase GDP. Buffet believes that the American workplace needs to embrace women in the workforce by providing more flexible schedules in order to propel economic growth. Individuals in the position as Mr. Buffett have to go a little further to ensure that women in the workplace are not discriminated against, because they have children. Women should not be forced to choose between children and work like my mother during WWII and like I in the 1990's. Seventy years later, women are still having problems finding reliable and affordable childcare.

Men and women have children, and they both have to take responsibility for raising them. Facebook has one of the best leave policies for mothers and fathers with newborn children: 16 weeks paid maternity and paternity leave, and a $4,000 bonus for the birth of a child. Now, Mr. Buffet and fellow CEO's, put your money where it counts, and create a workplace where all women can work even if they chose to have a family.

As pioneers, my mother and other Rosies laid the foundation for equality in the workforce. It is time to make more changes to allow my daughters to actually be able to achieve the dream of equality.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I have always been so proud of you.

Warren Buffet is bullish...on women