Perfection Is Not Possible!

I grew up with a mother who never thought that my brother and I did anything right. I think that she thought she could always do it better. My brother ended up giving up at a certain point after being belittled and berated for so long that his self esteem was permanently damaged. She used to correct him when he washed the dishes or cut the grass or even while he was sweeping the kitchen floor. Now at the ripe old age of 67, he will not try to do any of these tasks for fear of retribution from my mother.

I, being the youngest child, observed these painful episodes and decided to try to be perfect in every way. It started with simple chores at home to trying to get A's in every subject in school. I think that I just wanted my mother's love and approval, however, you can never please some people. I realized as I got older that there was always someone smarter than me.

When I got to Yale, I was a little fish in a big pond. I did well in my classes but I was no longer always the smartest kid in the room. I realized that there will always be someone smarter than you and maybe you can learn something from them.
Collaborating with other smart people elevates your mental abilities. Collaborating with others gives you an opportunity to share best practices and achieve the non-zero sum gain effect ("NONZERO: The Logic of Human Destiny" by Robert Wright) that I know is the only reason that society evolved beyond the caveman.

Why not explore new ways of doing things? For example, why not talk to other mother's to see if they have a better way of getting your child to sleep in their own bed? Why not ask other people why they may chose to let their children sleep in the bed with them sometimes? I know that I have mentioned this before but there are sometimes valid reasons to let your kids get in the bed with you.

If you travel three days a week and don't get to spend a consistent amount of time with your children daily, I think it is fine if when you get home from a long trip for your child or children to get in bed with you. I used to read to my children in bed and tell them stories of my travels. It turned into quality bonding time that I did not have on a daily basis because of my job. I remember my poor husband picking up each child and carrying them back to their beds before midnight. They never stayed in our bed all night but they felt my love and warmth and were comforted knowing that I really cared for them even if I was away a lot.

What I am really trying to say is there is more than one way to parent a child. I think if we all take a look at what really works for other mothers and give it a try we might learn something new. I think we should always accept that there are multiple ways to raise healthy and well-adjusted children. If you sweep the floor in a different way from your mother and yet get all the dirt off the floor, then why not do it your way?

I have done things differently for a long time and am proud to say that not all of my ideas have worked but at least I am willing to try something new.


Diary of a Yale Mom