“You can have it all
but, you can’t do it all.” As
I reminisce about my life, I wish someone had given me this advice when I was
in my 20’s. When I heard Gloria
Steinem make this statement on the documentary, Makers: Women Who Make America, I was moved, and her words truly
resonated with me. I was a woman who tried to have it all and do it all, at the
same time, and realized that it was not possible.
I began my career in the 1980’s just as the “Super Woman”
myth was resounding. I remember many dining hall conversations as a Yale
undergraduate with women who believed that we could achieve the dream of
equality without sacrificing our personal lives. We were determined to work
harder and break any glass ceiling that got in our way. Channeling Claire
Huxtable of “The Cosby Show”, I
would marry, have an amazing career as well as a wonderful family.
In my real world, I married a surgeon, had 2 beautiful
children and continued to push for professional milestones. In 1993, I was
promoted to Director of Public Pension Funds. My clients included the State of
New York, the City of Atlanta, L.A. Police and Fire, the State of Missouri and
the DC Retirement Pension Funds. I traveled 3 days every week and racked up
200,000 miles in one year.
During the calendar year of 1993, however, I hired and fired
11 nannies. One nanny had a drug problem that became obvious when she was
unable to sit with my girls for more than 5 minutes before she had to go
outside for a cigarette. Who was watching my 5 year old and infant during those
smoking breaks? Another nanny had a heart attack while holding my then 6-month
old daughter. The nanny fell down the steps and luckily landed on her back with
my daughter on her chest. The nanny went to the hospital and eventually recovered. She was too weak, however, to return to work. My daughter survived without a scratch. I felt very blessed that they were both fine.
Also during that year, my husband was in the early stages of
his private practice and on-call every other week. His patients always came
first, so I could never rely on him to pick up a child from school, let alone do
the grocery shopping or prepare a meal. Where was my Dr. Huxtable? Instead of
resting on the weekends after working at least 80 hours, I was at the grocery
store and preparing meals that could be frozen and reheated later in the week.
Was this my dream or a nightmare?
It was January of 1994. I had taken my daughter to an
American Girl Fashion Show, but I still needed to finish a presentation for the
State of Missouri. After the show, I went to work. The heat was not on in the
building, and it was freezing outside. When I left the office, it was 1 a.m.
The next morning I could not get out of bed. When I tried to talk, nothing came
out of my mouth. When I finally got up, I passed out from exhaustion. I thought
I was dying. My mother called 911, and I was rushed to the hospital. Two weeks
later, I came home. My daughter told her kindergarten teacher that at least she
knew where her mommy was. She proudly announced that, “My mommy is in the
hospital, and I get to see her everyday!” Wow! When I heard that story, I knew
that my days of being “Super Woman” were over.
Women can’t do it all. They can try to have it all, but they
need a lot of help. Why did women in the '80’s and '90’s believe that we could do
it all? I think that both women and men undervalue the job of raising children,
maintaining a home and working a full-time job outside the home. Can we change
the work hours of consultants who travel 5 days a week? --Probably, not. Can’t
we understand that our bodies will not allow us to keep up this ridiculous pace
forever? I learned long ago that I can be a good mom, but I also need sleep. I
can be a great consultant but not when I have to travel every week with young
children at home.
We can have it all but maybe not all at the same time.
Certainly, we can’t do it all!
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