My Other Mother

1/12/12

My mother-in-law had a massive heart attack in December. I am in New Orleans today doing what she used to do for me whenever I needed her. "Help Out". "Can I help you?" "What can I do to help you?" I feel so blessed to have a mother-in-law who gives so much to others. I am grateful to have the opportunity to help her out during her recovery.

My mother-in-law is very kind and gentle. She is easy to get along with and my husband says if a person can't get along with his mother then they are not worth knowing! I agree.

When I met my future mother-in-law, I was very nervous. I had spoken to her on the phone numerous times but the anxiety of meeting my fiance's mother was looming over me like a dark cloud. Would she like me? Would I like her?

I met my husband's family at a picnic to celebrate his cousin's 50th birthday. It was a continuous 50 hour celebration that began on Friday and ended on Sunday. I had never heard of a 50 hour party. I knew then that his family liked to have fun.

When I walked into the inviting backyard, I felt at ease. Everyone was excited to meet me and I felt loved immediately. I still feel that way today almost 25 years after that marathon birthday celebration.

How did my mother-in-law learn how to be so nice to her daughter-in-law when so many mothers have an adversarial relationship their children's spouses? My mother-in-law followed the example set by her mother-in-law. My husband's grandmother lived across the street from her son, his wife and their 8 children. Yes, I said 8 children. My husband is number two of eight siblings. My husband's grandmother used to help cook, clean, wash clothes, iron, organize drawers...anything she could do to help her daughter-in-law.

The village that helped raise my husband and his siblings also included an aunt, who was a school teacher and read to the children daily. Older cousins who lived across the street who helped bathe the children every night. Another aunt who helped comb the hair of the three girls.

When I said a village, I meant a village that all lived on the same street in the same small town near New Orleans. I miss living near my other mother. When my oldest was only 5 weeks old, we moved to New Orleans. I had so many extra pairs of hands that I never needed to go very far to find a babysitter. My husband's cousin from Pennsylvania volunteered to babysit as soon as we landed. My husband's sisters and brothers all helped out whenever they could. My husband's brother even moved with me to Chicago to help out with my oldest daughter, when I had to relocate for work while my husband finished his residency in New Orleans.

My oldest daughter was showered with so much love as the first and only grandchild for more than 4 years on both sides of our family that I wondered if she would ever be able to be alone by herself. In her first few years, all of that attention did lead to a little spoiled princess. She is now 24 years old and has grown up to be a pretty well-adjusted young lady. I guess you can never have too much love.

When we lived in New Orleans, my other mother came to our house every Tuesday and Friday to do whatever I needed her to do upon my return to work full-time. I would go and stay with my husband's grandmother whenever my husband was on call and had to sleep in the hospital. When my oldest could not get to sleep at night, my other mother and other grandmother would take turns rocking her or pacing the floor with her in their arms while I tried to get some sleep.

Today, I am cooking some low sodium vegetable soup for my other mother while she recuperates. She also likes the way that I roll her hair. We even went out to lunch at her favorite local restaurant for a heart healthy meal. Just the two of us. It was a very special treat for me.

I can not imagine having a mother-in-law who was antagonistic or volatile. I feel so blessed to have my other mother. I just can't call her my mother-in-law any more. She is too special to me.

Wishing that everyone could have an other mother who is so loving, gentle and kind...