True Love

"I knew for sure that I was loved" by Luther Vandross

5.20.2012

When I was a little girl, I knew that I was loved. My parents both loved me but my father's love was demonstrated every day by his actions. He would get up at 4 am to prepare a warm bottle of milk for me. He would make my breakfast and comb my hair. He would take me to school in the morning and make a hot lunch for me every day.

He used to have an amazing garden. I would sit and watch him dig and plant for hours. I had a little table and chair set up outside so that I could dissect worms or other bugs that he would find while he was working. In return, I would put the seeds in the neatly dug rows and fill the water can for him.

If I was upset after being bullied by the kids in the neighborhood, he would console me. I would sit on his lap and he would hold me tight while I sobbed. He would constantly give me words of wisdom and sage advice. He not only nurtured me but he also took care of all my needs. He had a really big belly that reminded me of Santa Claus. He was my own personal Santa Claus and I never wanted for anything even when he could not afford it.

He was always there for me.

I knew that I was loved unconditionally, especially when I made a mistake. One day when I was 7 years old, my father asked me to get him a hot dog out of the "ice box". I said, "No!" He spanked me but then he sat me on his knee and cried. He said: "I don't ever want to hit you but I need you to obey me. I will never ask you to do anything that will hurt you." He never had to spank me again.

This kind of unconditional love is the foundation for every well adjusted child. They need to know that their parents will be there for them. Infants need to know that someone will pick them up if they cry. Babies can not articulate their needs. They do not know how to say, "My diaper is wet, I need some milk or I need to be held just to know that you care." I sometimes shutter when I hear pediatricians say "Let them cry themselves to sleep", without saying, "After you make sure that all of their needs have been met".

All human beings need to be held and loved. A hug goes a long way towards solving many problems. Not a superficial hug but a real hug that lasts more than a second. The kind of hug when you can hear the other persons heartbeat. I always give hugs like that to my children every time I see them. I want them to know that they are loved unconditionally. I want them to know that if they make a mistake, I might yell for a short period of time but I will hug them longer.

When my children were very young the challenges that I was presented with were at times insurmountable. When my oldest was born, she was a month premature. Her sucking reflexes were underdeveloped and I had to pump my breast for a month before she got the hang of breastfeeding. She became jaundiced after getting home from the hospital. My mother, husband and I took turns holding her because if you put her down for more than 5 minutes she would start whaling and crying uncontrollably. I was already exhausted from the 44 hours of labor that I endured without any anesthesia. I sometimes started to cry when she could not suck my breast properly after 30 minutes of trying and crying. I would then have to endure the pain of the pump. If you have ever breastfed, you know what I mean. This is unconditional love.

It would take all of my mental control to not shake the baby. I know that so many mothers have just lost it when they do not have adequate support and their first child is challenging. I was so blessed to have a husband who thought he knew what he was doing. He had at least been the second oldest of eight children. He would take her when she started projectile vomiting and rock her ever so gently. I sometimes try to forget how hard it was with my first child.

It was so hard to get my first mothering job right that I wondered if I was really cut out for it. It is a good thing, that after almost 4 years, the memories of the tough times that I had with her faded. Amnesia for mothers is a blessing. My second child was so easy that I deluded myself into thinking that maybe having four children was possible and desirous. Luckily, the 3 months of bed rest before her birth reminded me that I was an old mother for the times. When I got pregnant with my third child, I was jarred back to reality when my doctor advised that I have amniocentesis. I feel blessed that I had three healthy children even if the oldest was a little colicky. She still has a lot of stomach problems today as a 24 year old.

You can never hold your children too much. You can never love them too much. You may worry about them too much, but that comes with unconditional loving.

I got up this morning before the crack of dawn to make sure that my daughter's flight home from her first year in college was on schedule. I wanted her to know that I was anxiously awaiting her arrival. I told her to text me when she boarded the plane. The flight has been delayed for at least 3 hours and my long anticipated "Mother's Day" with all of my children will have to be rescheduled. I am a little sad because I will not get to hold them all at once. I am happy, however, that they all know that they are loved unconditionally.

I always want them to know that they are loved for sure.